unsceneunheard

This is a blog I posted here a little over a year ago. Its funny how things haven't changed with some people. It's hilarious in hindsight that some of us actually thought things could and would change. It's not really funny, maybe a little more tragic.

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Its funny how you can want things. And when you start to get them you realise you're no happier with them. You don't feel any more complete. There's still this big empty gaping hole, and a few times over you think about this and conclude that you're doing the wrong thing. You want away from these thoughts and this mediocre flow of life.

And all of a sudden you find yourself practically convinced that all you have to do is get to the next step. This is a test, its testing how much you want it. if you didn't have to fight for it it wouldn't be worth it. if you stop now you've lost. game over. But if you keep going even for a little bit it'll get better and it'll be perfect. Exactly what you want.

But it wont. never will.

Honestly? I know this made no sense.

Honestly? I have a guilt complex about being on buzznet. I came back to it for all the wrong reasons. What I did with this account, it started off as a joke. my friend Leo and I wanted to test the bounds of efame and e-popularity on this site. It was just after the Kiki drama started. No-one could see or understand how on earth they thought making her popular on their site was ever going to be a good idea. We wanted to step up the game a little.

We studied the ways of acknowledgment on buzznet. comments, buzzes, featured photos, photo of the day, journaled photos, getting into the news feed, featured members, star blogger, the whole lot.

We both joined and set up accounts to test these boundaries. tested the myspace theory of how to get as many friends as possible - added anyone we could see shared similar interests. Started posting some of our photographs (shes a gigging photographer too).

And some how it actually started to work. people were kind. they left sweet notes and comments, complemented photographs, and started talking to us, welcoming us both with open arms. This went on for a while and started to spread some. eventually leo lost interest and gave up, but i continued on. my reasons were starting to change for why I was there. the attention to my work felt rewarding. a lot of my IRL friends don't care about the photos I take at shows. This was the first place I've ever showcased them and felt as though they were actually appreciated.

Suffice to say now eight months down the line I can strike a fair few of those acknowledgments off my list. and for what? All I have is a bad taste in my mouth.

i came for all the wrong reasons. but id like to hope that i stayed for the right ones. I got to see some amazing work - stunning photographs, inspiring artwork and emotional words. I got to know some sweet people. I'm not sure I can call them friends. i'd like to but it maybe wouldn't be fair, maybe too presumptuous. it happens I guess.

I don't deserve to actually be here, or to have been acknowledged in the ways that I have. I wrote about all the right reasons to be here in my blog last week. And I've learned all that - and I stand by it. Honestly I do.

but i feel like a fraud. that i came here will ill-intent.

It wasn't with seriousness though. I'm not under some delusion that I should be famous or that I'm skilled enough to be or whatever (because we all know im def not pretty enough). I just wanted to see how easily these SQs and other people got to where they are. They talk about how much hard work they put into getting to where they are. its bullshit. this was basically my science experiment. lets see how quickly someone can become popular with few talents.

Granted I fell in love with this place. I adore some of the people here, and what we all share. I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing gig photography. but like I keep saying I'm losing hold of that now. people keep saying 'oh just start a website so you can still get press passes' yeah dude what do you think I've been trying to do the past three years? i fail at web design thats why i worked for other sites. but they all dropped me so i guess im just a failure at that too. three years of this. thats really three years too long. i wrote that buzznet was my last attempt at exposure for my work. i meant it. its this or nothing. im too old to queue all day at shows to get the front row and take photos from there now. and i wouldnt feel they were good enough either. the slr gives me much more freedom. but it takes knowing someone or being someone to get press passes. and im neither.

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Weird that the most that came from this place was 'confidence' that was swiftly taken back. I guess it at least pulled my head together enough to realise that to do anything I have to do it alone. I'm lucky that I get to now co-run a website with two of the nicest people ever. I get to shoot almost all of the shows I want. I never got the help or the connections I maybe wished I had - but I learned to do it independantly - because there was no other choice. Some people get it handed to them on a platter - but a lot of them dont deserve it and havent earned it - and it will always show. It will always be disgustingly evident who has tried and who has merely kissed the right ass - anywhere on or offline.

The other thing I learned this past year? Arrogance gets you a lot further than talent ever will - in any job or situation. Thinking you are the shit means more than actually being the shit. I dont know why - but whatever. If people get further playing that card then kudos to them - my only question is...is it anymore rewarding? Do they not have moments where they lack confidence in themselves? Or is it an element of dillusion? I'd just like to know. I'm openly asking the world this question - I have a lot of trouble understanding the human race. Cause right now it seems to me that being over-confident but under performing is better than just doing okay and being happy with it. Why make a spectacle of doing something you're no good at? I digress.

I wish I could stop rambling.

I've requested it already but nothing has been done - so again I will address it here... mods please remove ALL badges from my account. they aren't meant for someone like me - and there's no point in pretending they are. I have nothing great to bring to the table - you have pro concert photographers and amatures in your own country - I'm not required. I an not part of the top tier. I bring nothing original to the site - I'm not creatively minded to do much else. I'm okay with that - I'm okay with not playing pretend here. Please there is no point in leaving those things on my page out of obligation - you dont want anything from me and I expect less than nothing from you.